Just exactly what is it that I'm about to embark on?

edit: Right now it seems very far away, and all a jumble of bits and pieces.

mood: nervous

After all the umming and awing, I finally received my nationality papers. Last Friday, I applied for my Cartão de Cidadão and my Passport, with only the vaguest mishap. Until further notice, I was born in 1953. There is a chance they will not arrive before I am set to leave, but since I can be in the UK for up to three months sans visa, I should be okay.

So away I go on July 5th, I imagine! This is exciting, and brings up a whole slew of new anxieties, none of which I will share with you at this time. Mostly, though I am a buzz with the idea of new horizons, and a greater possibility of doing something that doesn't involve mouse poop in order to earn an income. Well, mostly I am excited to be around the affectionately named Ginger Kiwi.

In order to prepare, I would like to at least get a start on organizing and re-writing my CV in a format that is appropriate for the UK. I know that there are likely resources available on the internet, but it is sometimes tough to weed through and narrow down what is better or more trustworthy. If anyone knows of any good resources for resume/cover letter formats, or good job hunting sites (I suppose it would specifically be for the London Area, even more specifically for science type people), or any resources that might be available in country, I would appreciate any information about them. I've started wading in, but it's all a bit overwhelming at first.

Within the next few months I am going to start asking my placement co-ordinators for suggestions on where to look for jobs, and maybe start branching out. I don't know. I'm not looking forward to job hunting again, but I am looking forward to moving forward with my life. Onward and upward, while I quietly freak out.

music: Tiger City- Mallory tags: jobs, plans, travel

It's official. I am a dual citizen.


Huminah.

A month ago I applied to be a Portuguese citizen. Last week I was informed that everything seems to have gone through, and that my proof of citizenship is being mailed to me. I am waiting for it to arrive so that I can finally get a move on with this ridiculous scheme.

I chose a moving date, and providing the nice Portuguese lady at the consulate in Ottawa didn't just run off with my (not insignificant amount of) money, I will be moving to London on the 5th of July. Despite the fact that my flight is booked, and that Mark has promised to clear out some closet space, I am hesitant to change that from a conditional statement. I am terrified that announcing things as definite before I have proof in my hands, rather than a verbal confirmation, is just setting myself up for failure. Once I have whatever it is I'm being mailed (a birth certificate? Or a temporary citizenship card, I am not sure which), then I can move on with preparations! With less fear that they will have all been for naught.

That being said, once I'm confident that I am indeed a dual citizen, then I can go to the mainland and apply for my passport. I can give notice to my job, ask for people to act as references, and find out how exactly one puts a C.V. together for the UK. I can start looking at jobs, or even applying for jobs. I will be able to work and live within the EU without visas or other expensive, conditioned, time limited paper work. I can get rid of things, and move on from this transitional period. And if I hate it all, if I can never get the hang of London, then he insists that we can go somewhere else. And given that there will be four different citizenships between the two of us, somewhere else means many places that we could easily go, should the mood strike.

Yes, how full of potential it all is, providing this thing ever arrives. Until then I am anxious and slightly agitated and not willing to fully give into excitement. In the meantime is going to happen, whether this all falls into place or not. My goal of consistency is going very well at the moment. I've been going to the gym 5-6 times a week. Operation Muffintopless is in full swing. There will never be any major changes to my body type, but certain parts have started to become slightly more streamlined. I have long since come to terms with the fact that this is the shape that I am stuck with, and so should come to love it. Or at least appreciate it. Some people seem to, at least. I might as well be one of them. There are noticeable improvements in terms of overall feeling healthy/accomplished. I am not an athletic person. I never have been. It has taken years for me to make physical activity a part of my life, and it is only fairly recently that it has ceased to become a chore. I'm only planning on keeping up this intensity until I set off. But it certainly helps pass the time. I am going to have to wait this out, I might as well wait it out being sweaty and disgusting 1/3 of the time...

This weekend I am going to watch a documentary about a sushi chef. And then I am going to eat sushi. This pleases me to no end.

music: Andrew Bird- Orpheo Looks Back tags: anticipation, anxious, eager, excited, hopeful, love

Come on mail. Come on, come on, come on. Send me the lynch pin that turns this pipe dream into a stunning reality. I am so ready to hurtle head first into something else, somewhere else, where there's someone else waiting. Don't back down on me now, I need this.

music: Kate Bush tags: anxiety, excited, hopeful, impatience, nervous habit

I keep seeing posts on various social media sites about things that my friends in New Zealand are doing. Spending time in coffee shops, or going to the gardens for walks. Going to rugby games, going to Auckland for concerts, and most recently going to see the dawn Shakespeare performance during the Hamilton Garden Festival.

Occasionally, I get messages from people telling me that I should go back, or that I should have been there with them, it would have been great if I could have been there too etc. This is nice. It is also EXTREMELY frustrating.

I was incredibly lonely for a lot of my stay in NZ. I don't mind doing things on my own, but it would have been nice to feel like I had the option of doing them with other people. Sometimes I did! I got to go out quite a bit, thanks to my flatmates. And I have some amazing memories of trips and instances that involved other people. But for the most part, they were the exception to the rule. And so, I did a lot of things on my own. Wandering the gardens. Going to concerts and music festivals. Sitting in Cafes listening to music. There was never anyone around. Or people just weren't interested.

One of my friends moved back to Hamilton, and the other stopped working an insane amount, so they're spending a lot of time doing the things I used to do. It truly is a matter of circumstances-- they just weren't in the same space or were too busy last year. But suddenly, everyone is now getting together. When, at this time last year, I was cycling down to the gardens by myself at 4 am to watch Shakespeare, after asking everyone I knew if they'd like to come, I am now seeing posts telling me how great it was to watch The Bard that early in the morning. I know. I know it was, I was there. I did that already, you wouldn't/couldn't/didn't want to come.

Would I have liked NZ more if I was there NOW, rather than THEN? That's a stupid question. I'm not, so it doesn't really matter. It is easy to feel nostalgia when I don't have to live there anymore. But it would have been nice. It would have made it better.

Traveling with my sister was ultimately the most that I appreciated NZ, and the best time that I had in terms of experiencing New Zealand. Nothing about it made me want to go back to a day-to-day life there. Maybe I would have felt differently if I had the social network that appears to exist without me now. Maybe I wouldn't have, there's no way of knowing.

Ultimately things can only happen the way that they have happened. It all came together eventually. And now I am moving on. Onwards and upwards. I didn't fall in love with NZ. I fell in love with someone from NZ. Before I left, I honestly the outcome would be the reverse. Now, I am so glad it wasn't.

music: Chemical Brothers- Swoon tags: 'feelings', concern yourself with the incredible, friends, loneliness, loss, love, nz, sick of goodbyes, travel

It's amazing how a little bit of skyping can make me feel so much better.

I feel this overwhelming need to go somewhere. Soon. Quickly.

I was just thrown a surprise party three days before my birthday. I am loved. I need to remember this.

To my left is a tiny wheel of cheese. It is my reward for when I finish.

I have been panicking a lot this week. I am very rarely able to be realistic about my life, abilities, and prospects. Instead of telling you about the crushing fear, and irrationality, and HOW UTTERLY RUBBISH I FEEL, I will tell you what I am going to do about it. Here is a semi-doable plan that I have laid out for myself:

 I'm fairly certain that I want to pursue graduate studies in either Public Health or Epidemiology. This (The MSc) is the program that I want to do, but I've been looking at other programs, in Canada and abroad, as well. I am going to try and move to London by the end of August, and will look for work accordingly. I will have accommodation, and support, and the added bonus of maybe actually getting to be around my boyfriend.

 To lay aside the nagging fear that I am not smart/accomplished/awesome/interesting enough to be accepted to the program, I am going to try to find employment that is somehow related to Public Health, or at least in that vein. Failing that, I will try and find a science-type job and try to find ways to volunteer in that area. Failing the latter, I will find a job that will give me the means to live, and volunteer. I am going to look into whether a good score on the GRE will increase my chances for acceptance/scholarships. Then I will apply for a September 2013 start.

 There are those other fears, such as "what if I can't find ANY JOB AT ALL!?" and "What if waiting a year to apply means my references will forget about me!?" and "WHAT IF I DIE POOR AND ALONE TODAY A BLOO BLOO BLOO".

 In the meantime, while I finish accruing the means with which to get myself to the UK, my goal is consistency. That probably sounds stupid, but it's something I've always had a hard time with. I get a goal or idea in my head, and if I'm not taking immediate steps in order to accomplish or act on it, then I get incredibly discouraged, and convince myself that it's a pipe dream, it will never happen, I do not have the chutzpah or ability to do it. I get so caught up, wanting things to happen instantly and completely, that I get incredibly hard on myself if I slip up at all, and spend a lot of time despairing irrationally. And then stop. Or give up, or wonder what the point is. Not seeing the wood for the trees is pretty much my specialty. So instead of focusing of wanting to have x saved up, or getting y done by the time I want to move away, I am breaking things down into chunks.

I am going to the gym more consistently. I am putting an amount of money away each pay check. I am playing music and trying to learn guitar and more ukulele. I am researching job opportunities and information on grad school and research in the area. I am doing these things on a daily, weekly or bi-weekly basis. Time is going to pass regardless, and if I manage to just do these things, the outcomes will happen as a by product. I will be fitter. I will have some money saved up. I will make progress. The first part of the outlined plan will seem more realistic, because it will be closer. Then I can worry about those logistics. For now, I am focusing on the tiny pieces that will get me to where I want to be. I don't feel like I've got much traction or forward motion, but that's just because of the amount of time it will take for any to accumulate. Rather than focusing on the outcome, I am going to try and focus on the act itself.

Maybe it will work. I don't know. So far it's going okay. Probably'll have another meltdown in a few weeks. Whatevs.

mood: optimistic tags: fears, hope, panic, plans